Hope

Trying to choose hope today because I’m having trouble with faith.

I’m lying next to my sleeping neice as I write this. Her mother my sister in law is in hospital giving birth.

I’m happy to spend time with my neice. 

She is a sweet, funny, lively child.

I’m very happy happy they will be meeting their son as we speak.

My other sister in law is having her baby at the end of December. It’s a very exciting time.

For me though it’s also a sad time. Can you be happy for someone at the same time you are so sad for yourself?

You bet!

I have an ache in my heart.  A longing for another child that has turned into a constant dull ache. It never goes. It is always just there.

I see everyone else get their babies.

Why isn’t it my time.

I have some people in my life who are very big on faith. Have faith in God. It will happen in Gods time. God has plans for you that you know nothing about.

I’m having trouble with that. I’m sick of waiting.

I’m trying not to lose hope as well as faith.

I desperately want my family to grow.

My daughter is the only only child in the family. She asks me often when will she get a sibling.

I tell her one day, someday.

I used to have faith that she would have a sibling. It was a certainty.

Now I try for hope because I don’t want to accept the alternative. That there is no hope.

Hope is what happens when faith doesn’t deliver.